My life…On the eve of turning 35! Usually on my birthday I take time to reflect on the last year and all that has happened. I feel it’s a great time to look and see all the wonderful (and even not so wonderful) things that have happened through the year. When I think back over this year there are 2 things that stick out more than any other…
1. Sweet Nathan Christopher joining our family. His name means ‘gift’ and that is what I have felt like he has been to me in so many ways since the first day I found out I was pregnant with him. Through the fears of miscarriage to the joy of meeting him face to face our family is forever changed because of his presence. My heart is full, it expanded once again in a way I didn’t even know was possible.
2. The community we have found in our local church and other friends we have made in town. People that are real and we can do life with is very refreshing. We really are blessed with wonderful people here in our community.
But more than reflecting on all the other things of my year and the journey God has taken us on, I reflect on the future.
You see a few weeks ago I got sick. I had a kidney infection and E. Coli. (Yes, and a 5 week old who I was exclusively nursing…it was exhausting to say the least.) The doctors also found something else in running my lab work that we weren’t expecting. My kidneys were not/are not functioning properly. It wasn’t because of the infection, but in fact something that has been happening over time that we weren’t aware of. When I met with the specialist he informed me that my kidneys are functioning at 15%. And for perspective that qualifies someone to be put on a list for a transplant. We are not going that direction yet, we have more labs and a biopsy to do.
Yet even that isn’t what I wanted to share…what I wanted to share was this…
As you know I am not the kind of person to overreact. This situation is no different. (And besides, with a newborn and 2 other boys who has time to ‘react’ LOL). We have many options before us in ways to treat this. Whether God wants to do a miracle and heal my kidneys Himself, or he wants to use doctors who are passionate about healing to help me, I know that things will be fine. But I have to admit there was one point when I let the thought of what was happening with my kidneys really sink in. So as I was holding Nathan the tears started to flow. Not because I don’t see hope in the situation, but because I was thinking of time being lost that I was the one fully being ‘mom’. For example, while I was so thankful for the help during the time I was sick, it was also hard feeling like I was on the sidelines of my boys’ lives while I knew they needed me fully in the game. As moms I think at times it’s hard to recognize or remember that we know our kids more than anyone and we have such an important role in reminding them of who they truly are. You are the perfect fit for YOUR kids, as I am to mine. And while they may make us crazy at times, we are the ones that help to keep them grounded in who they are. We are the ones that see past the actions, and know what they are really expressing or reacting to.
So as I enter this 35th year of my life I do so with a little perspective that I didn’t have just 4 weeks ago:
To slow down.
To really live in the moment.
To not worry about tomorrow.
Kidneys are important (funny, but really who thinks about kidneys?).
To see that it is a privileged that I am called mom when it can often feel like such a tiring and unrewarding role.
To always remember that my greatest gifts in life are named: Christopher, Joshua, Zachary, and Nathan