My life…a week of processing my dad’s passing away…
Day 1: Today the earth lost the first man I ever loved. The one that taught me to dream. Who always told me I could be anything and that I was everything in his eyes. He believed in and championed every adventure I ever went on. He taught me about Jesus through not only his words but through his integrity and character. I love you dad. I miss your voice already. Give my babies a hug from me.
—My dad passed during his fire pack test this morning. Nathan and I are flying out to S. Dakota tomorrow. Thanks for all the texts and prayers.
Day 3: Yesterday this baby boy turned 3 months old. We were up here at my dad’s house, though it was hard to grasp that he didn’t come busting through the front door to welcome us as we drove up. Hey ‘kiddo’ would have been his first words followed by a huge hug. We would then sit and chat- him wanting to share in every detail of my life. Anything good/new I shared with him was always followed with somewhat of an ‘of course’ feeling- nothing I could tell him was outside the realm of possibilities for my life. He was the ultimate believer in me and my dreams. So though he is gone he is not far away. I carry him in my heart, I carry his belief in me in my deepest understanding of who I am as a person. And I will champion my boys in that same love that he gave to me so freely.
Day 5: His funeral was yesterday. Since that day I’ve thought of a million things I wish I would have said, things that the world needed to know about this man I got to call dad. I still don’t feel like I’ve even begun to say goodbye.
Day 7: Today I woke up feeling empty. Life is moving forward but my biggest fan is gone.
I know that he is with Jesus, I know that for all the ‘good’ he tried to do in this world and how much he loved Jesus there was nothing that prepared him for the reality of how beautiful Jesus really is. I know he is still believing in me, championing me, and I can feel him looking out for me…but I miss his voice. I miss his wisdom. I miss the bigness of his hugs. I miss his over-the-top proudness of me.
I couldn’t always understand why he loved me as he did, but I guess that is a reflection of what a dad should be: They are to believe in us more than we even believe in ourselves. And in that believing we start to believe it ourselves. Many women have asked me where I get my confidence from, and my answer was always, ‘my dad’.
Ugg…I hate that you’re gone. I hate that you don’t get to tell me your thoughts on things. I hate that I can’t call you up and talk for like 30 minutes before you even say a few sentences. I hate that you didn’t get to meet Nathan. I hate that I can’t text you photos of the boys. I hate that I won’t get to read your comments on my FB posts. I hate that I had to say goodbye so soon. I hate that I wasn’t there when you left. The only reason I hate, is because I loved so you much.