What if God challenged me to be a ‘nobody’ for a while? My definition of ‘nobody’ in itself shows I have some issues to deal with. You know, a nobody- not doing anything ‘wild and crazy’ for God, just ‘being a wife and mom’, or crazier yet, ‘staying and living in one location in the USA for the next 25 years’.
Crazy right? Most of the US population (and you) would feel really offended to hear that those things somewhere deep in my soul (even if in my subconscious) define a life of a ‘nobody’. But I need to be honest and say that it’s in there. Last month at a conference a friend of ours was speaking, and he said God has NO expectations on you. To be honest I was like- not sure if I agree with you. We all have talents, gifts, etc and we need to be responsible for how we use them.
But what I feel I’m coming to see is what my friend meant- maybe he truly means it. But also for where I am it’s in that God loves me regardless of what I do for him. And when the only way I feel fulfilled is when/if I am doing something wild and crazy for him then the motivation is off. Sure, I started doing missions because I love God and it was a pure heart to serve him. But where idols come in is when I couldn’t walk away from something even if God is asking it for a season- could being a missionary have some idol’ ness qualities?
I have lots to process- I’ll probably title these post: Missionary re-hab, who gets to define the life if a nobody?
Within the Church we are so good at creating levels of ‘spiritual’ rank. You know, the missionary to a remote village ranking up there as the most noble of professions. And let me say, being a missionary in another country is VERY different than being a minister in your own country. There are sacrifices made that you will never fully understand unless you have done it. I am not saying it isn’t noble- what I am asking is why is is ‘super’ noble?
Then you could be a pastor, worship leader, etc…but what I am processing is where do I find the same contentment in my walk with God despite my job title. (And the ‘ranking’ that we in the West seem to give to various jobs as we label certain things more ‘spiritual’ than others.) Yes, walking in your calling you feel a different satisfaction then maybe when you aren’t.
Maybe I grew addicted to the praise that came from being a ‘missionary’. No one thinks (or at least says out loud) what admiration they have for you when you come home to get healthy. It’s met with sometimes an inner questioning of if they will ‘sell out’ and just live a ‘normal life’. I’m not making those references up, I’ve heard them out of the mouths of people. Maybe I grew addicted to the adrenaline rush of always checking out a new country, while God wants me to learn and see the beauty of growing deep roots for a season.
I’m being very real with you here. I’ve said the words myself, “He/she could have been so great for God, but they just settled down to a comfortable American life”. What a pompous thing to say, right?
Where’s the balance is what I’m asking? Where is the grace for the seasons of life that may look less extraordinary? And who knows if those are the seasons God does the deepest work.
Of course I don’t want to settle down if it means I quit dreaming or run from what God is asking me to do. I don’t want people to think we wasted our talents, but what my heart needs more than anything are some deep roots right now. I need to be planted, watered, and allowed to grow again. There are some thorns that need to be trimmed, and a few weeds have started to out number the flowers.
So what I ask is that God would allow me to explore what I really want, and walk in it. Not in what I think is expected of me. And in that to find my worth based on nothing other than my belonging to Him.
To live a quiet life…for a season or for forever.