I took a test last night. It was positive. Then I took 2 more. All positive. There is a little baby growing in my belly. Chris is still processing. I don't think either of us know how to respond.
None of this is because we don't want a baby, that is not the case AT ALL.
I went to the store this morning, and I felt like I was trying to suppress a beam of light from exploding out through my body. Life. I looked at little onsies, some pink and some blue. I started to think about holding you in my arms, near to my heart where you belong. On the outside I'm the same, but I know I have a little 'secret' inside me. A secret that has been created, and whether we meet in this life or in eternity, you will forever exist.
The timidness comes in the form of fear. Fear of hope disappointed. From scars on our hearts that slightly ache as we find ourselves in this position again. We've dreamed before. We've prayed before. And we've lost babies before.
I want to tell you sweet baby of mine that I love you. And I will always love you. I will love you through my fear of losing you, and I will love you through my heart of scars. You deserve to be celebrated, you deserve to have your creation shouted from the roof tops. Your brothers will love you, protect you, and honor you. Your daddy would die for you. And I, I will fight for you. I will fight for your freedom to be the expression of all Papa God, Jesus, and The Spirit dreamed you could be.
So I will hold onto you and I will love you. Whether here on earth, or in eternity.
I will love you from today forward, through this life and on. I am committed to you, and you are my beloved.~ Mommy