Well, we're 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant. (I'm writing this in June 2013, though posting it later.) I've done well the last 2 weeks since writing a post sharing that I am pregnant. Trying to live in the grace of each day and not stress out about what may happen 3-4 weeks from now. You see, we have a chromosome issue which if it is going to affect the baby usually causes miscarriage during week 8. I've seen a healthy heartbeat at week 7, just to go in a couple weeks later to find no heartbeat. I had my ultrasound with the twins when I was 9 weeks 2 days pregnant, and the babies measured 8 weeks and 4 days. So as you can imagine, though I am so excited about having a baby, my heart is also nervous.
When you have had a miscarriage, or multiple ones, you wonder everyday if your baby is okay. I mean every mother does this, but I would say I'm sure I do it more than most. Though I know that it's a chromosomal issue I still can't help but try to be careful in everything I do. When I exercise I modify everything, just to be 'safe'. Every slight twinge in my belly causes me to wonder if everything is okay. Every time I use the restroom I have that 'moment' of hoping everything will be okay and I won't be spotting. If I actually feel better one day then I did the day before I have to fight the fear that it's because my hormones are dropping and the baby isn't okay.
Happy post, thanks Sarah?! I know. It sounds so blah. The truth is I feel I am handling it really well, appreciating each day that this baby is with us and healthy. But I can't lie and tell you I don't have moments where I feel the fear, or pain, not sure which is a better wording, that we may lose this baby. We haven't told the boys, but we've talked about 'what if' we had a baby. They both want one. And how I want to tell them that their wish is closer then they can imagine. Or when Zac puts his head on my belly to rest that he has no idea he is so close to the life inside me.
So I think I share this to encourage those of you who are trying to have a baby after you have had a miscarriage. To know that you aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. For feeling one day that you are fine and will be okay no matter the outcome, and then the next day feeling like your heart just might wither away thinking about losing this baby. And it's all the days in between that you try to keep yourself occupied as you count down until you are 'safe'. Yes, I know anything can happen, but you know what I mean by generally being safe. I also encourage you to do what you need to do for you. Everyone is different.
My history is that we miscarried our first baby at 9 weeks, then had Joshua (Oct.2005), then miscarried twins at 9 weeks (well I had surgery at 11 weeks), then miscarried again 3 months later, and then had a miscarriage that resulted in another surgery. That was the sweet baby we did get to see a strong heart beat, only to lose it later. I knew something was wrong, women know. I knew with the twins as well that something was wrong. And this was followed in May 2009 with the birth of Zachary.
My husband and I both handled the losses differently. If you need to talk with someone please find a counselor or friend you can speak with. And the same for your spouse. There were times I wanted to just keep trying (my never give up side), and there were times he couldn't think about trying again because his heart still hurt at all the dreams we had lost. Though I always felt like I would be okay to keep trying I remember thinking early on with Zachary that if I lost this baby I didn't know if I could go through it again. I spotted with him and remember walking home from my Chinese tutors house doing everything I could to hold the tears in. When I had my ultrasound in Thailand the doctor actually said he thought Zac may have been a twin, so I very well could have been miscarrying that day. So do what you need to do to take care of you. I worked on puzzles to keep my brain occupied! I had close friends that knew what we were going through as we waited to see if Zac would be fine, this way I wasn't carrying it all on my own.
There is no right or wrong about how you should be feeling. I just want to let you know that you are not alone and I am with you! We have our first appointment set for July 19th. I can tell you that I am counting down the days. It's a little over 3 weeks away from when I am writing this and luckily we have a 2 week vacation in between now and then which will keep me somewhat distracted. Not fully, as you know, but it helps.