What a whirlwind of a few weeks it has been for me. You know when you feel like a year of breakthroughs happens in 2 weeks and it's like…W-H-A-T just happened? Yeah, that's me.
Last weekend I was supposed to be attending an all day 'mastermind' session with my business coach in Chicago and a group of about 14 other students. Due to finances it wasn't able to happen, and that also got the conversation rolling about if this level of coaching was really paying off for me. It's half-way through the year so a great time to evaluate. At the end of a few days processing Chris and I both felt like it wasn't in the best for me to continue. While I have learned a ton, I have not seen the increase in my monthly income to justify the amount I had been paying to be mentored to grow my business.
For my family I can see that this was such a good thing to walk away from because here's the thing I didn't see: I had no idea how much pressure I had been placing on myself to make sure I saw results in my business to justify the money we were investing. It wasn't until after I told my mentor that I would be leaving the program that I felt peace that I haven't known in a long time.
I can also see that in my attempt to have some security as we returned from China a year ago, this became the thing I was attaching myself to. (My business is not bad, I love it, and will continue with it!) But in my returning to the States, and the shaking that did to me internally, I let it get into the wrong place in our family. It has a place, but it's a side part to a much bigger story.
I told Chris the other night that after all of this, it's like coming full circle to see that I already have right here everything that makes my life complete. My family. And I've missed them with being distracted trying make this grow faster than it needs to. I still have goals to get this to fully support us, but maybe it will take 3 years? Right now I am providing our family with $1500 a month working from my computer at home. Less than 20 hours a week. I've looked on Craigslist and there is nothing around here I could get that would do the same for me. Beachbody is a legit work from home business option for those who love to encourage others to better health. 6 months of that provides us the ability to go visit our family in China. Now, rather than seeing how far I have to go and daily feeling like I wasn't doing enough, I now feel so free. Free to put in my time, and then free to be present in whatever daily situations come my way without a weight over my head. (If you wonder why I talk about my income in terms of 'supporting us', I guess it's the lingo of someone who has been on full time support doing missions work since I was 17. So I see my business as a 'supporter' to our continuing ministry here in the US!)
It's hard for moms. The balance of wanting to not miss any moment of our kids growing up with also needing to help provide financially for our family. The seemingly impossible balance of wanting to make time to look and feel good through exercising while just trying to keep the dishes done and the house from being too crazy messy. The balance of wanting to use the gifts God has placed in us not only for our family but also with others who have come into our lives. I get it.
You may think it's weird that I am sharing this with you. But I do so in hopes that you will see some of me in you. And some of you in me. The real freedom that is coming is to be me and be free from what I put on myself in the form of expectations from others. When was the last time I did a post like this, rather than feeling I needed to be some fitness expert? Which I may never be. I know a lot, but I want this blog to be about more than calories, carbs, and exercises! I don't want to be an expert, but I just want to help us all have health holistically. In our families, communities, and in our bodies. I want it to be a place where women can come together and be encouraged. To feel they are not alone. To laugh, to cry, to connect, and to feel understood.
And that is why I share this with you. In hopes that something in it will be of encouragement to where you are in your journey!
Another picture of me and my baby boy. (Who turned 4 last month?!) When I see my face in the one above, I can see the smile I have missed as I cuddle on the couch with my twin. This one is me coping his 'mad face', he makes it and growls like a beast. It's pretty legit!
(I didn't have time to share what happened that weekend I was supposed to be in Chicago, but I will soon. It was a different trip that happened. One that healed my heart in a hundred places, gave me a depth of peace and love of the Father I didn't even know I needed, involved go-karts/swimming/zip-lines and more. And was completely paid for, not by us.)